Yes Honey, your favorite black, leather, trench coat, cinched tight at the waist, is a sign that I’m going out tonight. Of course, without you, Nanny has already tucked you in for the night. And besides…..
I don’t have the keys to unlock the pink patent leather cuffs holding your wrists and ankles to the side bars on your crib. Moreover, Nanny has the only keys to remove your pacifier and chastity belt.
Are tears really necessary? It’s not my fault, I can’t free you.
Two years ago, when you came up with this hair brained scheme, to be treated like a two year old, you had the nerve to suggest that perhaps Nanny was a more suitable key holder than me. It’s okay. I didn’t take it personally. In fact, I am actually quite relieved, leaving all the details of your daily up keep to her.
However, I do have one truly wicked idea that I’d like to run by her. You don’t want to know. No, really you don’t. Okay, you asked for it.
Yesterday, I ran into Karen, my old college roommate, at the supermarket, buying plastic diapers for her two year old. Yes, that Karen. The one whose heart you broke so badly, five years ago. Shall I continue?
Oh, please give me a break. Your feeble attempt at humping the air, contorted facial expressions, and rocking against the side bars, are nothing more than a ruse to cover your true excitement at having your current sleeping arrangements exposed.
Tomorrow, I’ll give Nanny the heads up, that we’ll be dropping by at noon. Don’t worry, I’ll tell her to strap you in extra tight, just in case seeing Karen again is too much excitement for you. Can’t have you falling out of the high chair can we?
Enough togetherness time for tonight. We’ll see you tomorrow for lunch.
Karen was more than a little startled, when Nanny greeted us at the front door, attired in Robert’s favorite ankle length, brown rubber apron, encrusted with food.
“Madam, excuse my appearance. It’s been quite the morning. Please come in."
Closing the front door, Nanny continued talking as she escorted us into the kitchen, Karen all ears.
“Last night, you must have really rattled Mr. Williams’ crib. Since I got him up, he has been beside himself. The mother of all tantrums.”
“He kept screaming, ‘She’s wrong, wrong, wrong! I really do not want to be outed. My fantasies are not for public consumption.’”
“Reinserting his pacifier, restored some modicum of decorum, until I tried to feed him lunch. As you can see for yourself, the first spoonful, found its way all over my new apron, compelling me to strap in his 'O Ring Gag’, before force feeding the remainder.”
Quietly absorbing, this bizarre dialogue, Karen followed them through the dining room and into the kitchen, shouting in disbelief, “Robert is that you?”
“Karen, I’m sorry for the surprise, but I couldn’t resist giving you the opportunity to see what you’ve been missing, the past five years.”
“No apology necessary. Though strangely enough, I do find this whole scenario somewhat exciting, unlike years ago when I hadn’t an inkling.”
“I know it probably caused our break up, and I have no intention of trying to change the past, but it would be nice to know more. Care to enlighten me?”
Leaving Nanny to finish Robert’s lunch time, the two women adjourned to the dining room, away from his prying ears.
How it all started
“Three years ago, Robert dropped his first subtle hint, after a few too many drinks. I let his comment pass, pretending not to hear.”
However, my curiosity now aroused, I rudely visited his favorite computer sites, extracting more and more valuable information, over the next few months.”
“Finally, I got up the nerve to casually ask, ‘Honey, what does infantilism mean?’”
“Feigning more naiveté, I know it’s complicated, but please give me a small scenario to help me understand.”
“So, if I were to forcibly cram a large adult sized rubber baby pacifier into your mouth, ignoring all your verbal and physical protests, while you’re securely confined in your black latex sleep sack, would be an example. Is it that simple? Of course, you already have a pacifier? How convenient.”
“And so, Karen, at the next opportune time, Iignored the loud moaning and groaning echoing throughout the house, as I participated in Robert’s aforementioned scenario. Finally, unable to determine the genuineness of the hullabaloo, I fearfully rushed into the bedroom, unzipped the sleep sack and removed his pacifier.”
“Karen, I can’t tell you how great the sex was after he finally extricated himself from the confining latex. Who would have thought that a small baby pacifier was such an elixir?”
“Sound pretty mundane to me.”
“Don’t worry, things get convoluted.”
“This sleep sack scenario gradually went from one to 12 hours, with each incremental increase in duration being followed by the same great sex and further requests for even longer sack time.”
“I never knew if the moaning and groaning was real or play. Today, after years of trial and error, it’s a moot point.”
“When we ultimately reached the 12 hour mark, I finally had had enough. ‘Robert are you shooting for 24 hours? It’s not practical and far too dangerous for my liking.’”
“Let’s max the sleep sack at 12 hours, tucking you in from 7PM to 7AM, like we would any other two year old.”
“Karen, you could hear a pin drop. It was the first time I compared Robert to a two year old.”
“What happened next?”
“With the first 12 hours of the day occupied, we started to fill up the remaining.”
“Six hours to cover breakfast, lunch and dinner, two hours for afternoon nap, leaving four hours for playpen time.”
“When we completed the first 24 hours, I immediately knew that a nanny would be needed if I was to successfully navigate the logistics of this enormously complex situation. Robert, has always had a thing for six feet tall, large breasted women, the taller and larger, the better. Miraculously, I found the perfect zaftig nanny, but more importantly from my perspective, extremely competent.”
“Oddly enough, it appears that Robert and my husband have the same predispositions. I can’t tell you how many times, I’ve seem mine slyly checking out women alike in stature to your Nanny, while walking hand in hand with me.”
“Do you think they could have more in common, than that?”
“Karen, what a creepy question. Let’s hope not. You already have one two year old at home.”
“Sorry, please continue.”
“Suffice to say, after three days of living his fantasy, the pleading and begging started nonstop, then the threats.”
“I’ve had more than enough. Let me up or you’ll going to get it. I’m not going to tell you a second time.”
“Karen, holding his nose, I forcibly crammed the pacifier into his mouth, mockingly adding, ‘As good as the first time?’”
“As prearranged, Nanny arrived a few hours later, diabolically establishing the pecking order.”
“Yes Karen, diabolic, is the only way to describe their first encounter”
“Approaching the crib, she spots her new charge, thrashing about mutely, with the aforementioned leather cuffs locked to the crib sides, morning stiffy pressing against his heavy 7 gauge milky white plastic pants.”
“Mr. Williams, this behavior is strictly verboten.” Yanking the pacifier from his mouth, demanding, “What have you to say for yourself?”
“Who in the hell are you?”
“I am your new Nanny, Mr. Williams.”
“Well, Miss Nanny, you can start by letting me loose, the sooner the better.”
“Mr. Williams, you can threaten me, the louder and more menacing the better. It comes with the territory and I’ve heard it all.”
“Well I’m just getting started!”
“Me too, Mr. Williams,” ignoring his continuing tantrum, she quickly opens the snaps on both sides, pulling the plastic pants from under his squirming body, revealing his morning stiffy.
“Want some of that, Miss Nanny?”
“I sure do, Mr. Williams, but first I have to get some protection,” Nanny retorted, as she raised her breasts from the half raised crib siding and walked to the kitchen.
“Yoo-hoo, Miss Nanny, we keep the protection in the top night stand drawer.”
Returning from the refrigerator, pretending to have not heard his crude attempt at levity, she placed the filled ice bucket on the mattress, resting it against the back of the crib slats.
“Cat got your tongue, Mr. Williams? There is protection and then there is protection,” she taunts, displaying the Access Denied Chastity Belt, before applying a handful of ice to his stiffy, creating a small nub in its place.
“Nanny, is that my belt?”
“Yes, Mr. Williams, it’s yours. Nice touch from your wife, don’t you think?”
“And by the way, Mr. Williams, what happened to ‘Miss Nanny’? Are you warming up to me? It’s a nice movement in the right direction, but it will not change the fact, that no two year old is allowed a stiffy.”
With relative ease, she pushed his shrunken nub into the metal tube attached to the front shield, before pulling it up between his legs, meeting at the metal belt encircling his waist, securing it with the click of a lock.
“Comfy, Mr. Williams?”
Back to the Present
“Karen, do you love it as much as I do when Nanny repeatedly addresses Robert as, ‘Mr. Williams’, at every opportunity?”
“Yes, it’s such an effective way to drive home the point of Robert’s new status in the family. Does she call him ‘Mr. Williams’ in the presence of others?”
“My, oh my, aren’t we the inquisitive one. Come with me.”
Returning to the kitchen, both women were greeted by Nanny, standing next to the high chair, still occupied by her new charge, completely indifferent to his struggling and discomfort, whether real or feigned, “Madam, Mr. Williams will not be available for your scheduled afternoon meeting at his playpen.”
Continuing, as if he wasn’t there, “A problem of his own making, has suddenly but not unexpectedly arisen, requiring the imposition of early bed time without dinner.”
Amused by the one sided conversation, our two bystanders stepped back into the adjacent dining room, leaving the French doors open, to better hear and see more.
The physical aspects are the easiest.
“Karen, I told you when I started this story that it was convoluted. Well, let me know if I lose you.”
“I’m all ears, but remember I was the smart one in college, no leaving me behind.”
“Robert wants to be treated like a typical two year old, mentally as well as physically, the latter the easier of the two. He wants it real, no if and or buts about it.”
“I understand all that, I really do.” Karen interrupts, “but how in the world is Nanny actually going to move Robert from his current restrained position in his highchair to another equally restrained position in his crib?”
“Like I said, the physical aspects are the easier of the two, Karen,” look through the French doors, she’s already started.
“After yanking the pacifier out of his mouth, Nanny, unlocks and removes the cuffs that been securing his wrists to the sides of the highchair.”
“Nanny, please no more. It’s too much for a grown man to take.”
Karen, interrupting Robert’s lamenting quizzically asks, “Won’t he be able to escape with his wrists now completely free?”
“He may have two free arms, but his ankles are still cuffed and locked to the high chair legs, leaving the bottom half still constrained.
His arms now completely free, Nanny raises the pink patent leather baby reins above his head, waiting for the expected begging.
“Nanny, Nanny, please, please, please no baby reins today. Karen is in the other room. It’s too embarrassing”.
Nanny patiently waited, reins atop his head, knowing full well that he would eventually comply rather than face more severe alternatives. Submission established, she slowly lowered the reins down his body, closing the clasp behind his back, just beneath the shoulder blades.
Feeling the noose tightening, Robert made another futile attempt, to stem the tide, “Nanny, I’m so sorry about everything this morning, especially sorry about spitting food all over your shiny new apron. I’ll never do it again, I promise! Please, please, Nanny, I promise with all my heart! ”
Nanny, removing the tray from the high chair, as if nothing had been said, much less heard, began strapping his left wrist and then the right into the dangling leather cuffs hanging from the sides of the baby reins, pinning his wrists firmly against the sides of his chest.
“Nanny, Nanny, please, please. They’re too tight!”
And again, feigning indifference, Nanny proceeded ahead. “Mr. Williams, raise your chin, I prefer not having to yank on your baby reins,” as she buckled the three inch wide white patent leather collar around his neck, while clipping a matching three foot long rod to the frontal ‘D’ ring.
“Nanny, Nanny, I’ll be a good boy. Please.”
“Pacifier? Nanny, we never use the pacifier when it’s just you and me.”
As he opened his mouth to protest further, Nanny adeptly inserted the pacifier into his mouth, strapping it around his neck, resting atop the previous mentioned posture collar.
“Mr. Williams, it’s not just us, we’ll be passing Madam and her guest as we head through the dining room, to reach your bedroom and I do not need you verbally assaulting them like you have been doing to me.”
Robert sat dazed and fearful, as Nanny hobbled his legs with a short one foot strap, before freeing his cuffed ankles, locked to the high chair.
Standing in front of his high chair, Nanny firmly grasped the bar dangling from the ‘D’ ring of the posture collar, tugging gently as a signal to carefully step down and follow her. Hesitating a brief second, brought a second stronger no nonsense tug. Robert stepped down from the high chair, resigned to his fate.
As if he wasn’t uncomfortable enough being led across the dining room floor, helplessly in tow but Nanny had to stop and chat, as he stood there facing increased inspection, especially from Karen.
Nanny speaks, “Madam, it’s been one of those days but I am hopeful that Mr. Williams’ increased bedtime will cure his ‘terrible twos’. Although, I won’t know until 7AM tomorrow. I am hopefully optimistic.”
“Nanny, thank you so much for your extra effort during his trying times.” Adding as Nanny with Robert in tow, continued walking to the baby room. “Be sure to tuck Mr. Williams in especially tight. I think he’ll sleep better.”
As the last glimmer of Robert scurrying to keep up with Nanny disappeared down the hall way, Karen, unable to contain herself another second, spoke first, “OMG your little Bobbi is just so cute. It’s too bad that I’m no longer mad at him or else I would most surely like to babysit, sometime.”
“Karen, what auspicious timing. Nanny has to go away for three weeks starting in two days and I can’t do all this myself. Your offer to babysit is graciously accepted.”
“More importantly, I’m sure little Bobbi will appreciate your very kind offer. I can’t wait to see the expression on his face when I tell him who will be babysitting in Nanny’s absence.”
“Karen, do you remember reading, ‘The Importance of Being Earnest’, by Oscar Wilde in our sophomore year?”
“I certainly do. Now, that was convoluted. Why do you ask? ”
“Because……. In Robert’s fantasy, he is obligated to make a bonafide effort to bring to an end, that which he truly does not want to end.”
“Any physical attempts to end this charade are easily squashed, while his subtle verbal ones can be far more devious.”
Karen hypothetically asks, “Oh you mean when he says something like ….”
“My dear sweet Karen, Nanny and my wife have gone overboard on this innocuous little fantasy of me wanting to live as a two year old. It’s lasted much too long, and besides it wasn’t ever believable.”
Karen continuing, “And his coup de gras, will sound more or less like….”
“Karen, if you really loved me as much as you said you did, you’d help me.”
“Dearest Robert, I really loved you as much as I said I did, and I am going to help,” as I throw my arm around the back of his neck, pinching his nostrils, before shoving the pacifier into a wide opened mouth, grasping for air.
“Robert, was the pacifier as good for you as it was for me?”
“Miss Karen, I would never have guessed. Welcome aboard!”
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