I was still at a loss as to why Val had taken me under her wing with such force when we had met, but it was exactly the thing that I had needed at the time. I wasn’t the one to make advances on anybody, and not really the type to take them either. Val was different, but what made her so different was that she had decided to be. She had grabbed me with two hands and hadn’t let me go. Not that there was much holding required, I was quite happy to be there in her grasp.
But why had she picked me? Why did she tolerate my uncertainty, my inexperience and my overall awkwardness, I could never tell. I tried to convince myself that it didn’t matter, but a brain usually does what it wants regardless of any wishes from the conscious mind. So I couldn’t help but feel afraid, inferior. Sometimes to the point where I was sure that she’d grow bored of me and ditch me, so I was afraid to get too attached even if my heart ached for it. I feared that I was throwing my happiness away just so it couldn’t be taken away.
But it all changed when I was in bondage by her. The troubles just melted and I knew I was in a safe place, because I was under her complete power and she couldn't leave me. She had placed me there, our interaction was based on supreme trust. She couldn't leave me and I couldn't do anything to make her leave me. I don't think I could've survived the first months knowing Val without it.
It was by no means the only reason I liked it, though. It felt euphoric in and of itself, but the additional stuff about our relationship just multiplied the pleasure. She had lead me very slowly into the world of bondage and had continued with the same relaxed pace. After our explosive first foray into it, she hadn't done anything much more complicated. She had tied me up some more, adding some additional elements like tying my ankles the same way she tied my wrists, but nothing much beyond that. I appreciated the slow approach, but admittedly I had started to grow more impatient to explore this side about me. But I wasn't going to push Val. On anything. Partly it was because I was scared to trigger anything that might make her abandon me and partly it was because I felt pretty submissive towards her and tended to just follow her lead.
And here we were, lying besides each other, watching some mindnumbingly average early evening television yet again. She had her hand inside my shirt, slowly tracing her fingers around my nipple as she often did. She still wasn't a fan of me not wearing a bra, but she did seem to enjoy the access it provided. I was just having trouble getting the kicks out of it that I normally did. I was being overwhelmed by all of the doubts that had been brewing inside me for the past several weeks. Being with her had usually helped with it, but now it felt like it was just getting worse.
I tried to concentrate on the program on the television as hard as I tried, but I couldn't help but feel this swell of desperate emotions wash over me. And before I realised, I was crying in Val's lap. She immediately raised us to a sitting position and she was looking at me with concern. I tried to say something to her, but couldn't. She hugged me when she saw it. Unfortunately that made me feel even more vulnerable and I cried harder. I had so much going inside me and I wanted to tell all of it to Val right that second, but I couldn't. I was too vulnerable. I was too scared. What if it turned out I was right?
"What's wrong?" she asked. "Is something going on?"
I tried answering, but I managed to only let out an unintelligible squeak, which made her hug me even tighter. She started caressing my hair and her gentle touch seemed to finally start calming me down. It took several minutes, but I felt like I finally would be able to talk. Val seemed to sense that and let me go of her embrace.
She turned the TV off and looked at me, expecting me to start talking. I wanted to, but I really would've preferred it if she had started instead of waiting for me. She probably thought this would be easier for me, but it was exactly the opposite. It took a while, but finally I let out a sigh and started speaking. This was it, I was going to tell her about my insecurities and I desperately hoped that she wasn't going to respond the way I feared she would. I kind of knew it was absurd in a way, but I was genuinely afraid that this was going to be the last night of our relationship.
"It's just..." I started weakly. "I've been feeling really insecure about myself lately. About us, really."
She seemed genuinely surprised about that.
"Why?" Val asked.
"Well, you know. You're so experienced and you've seen and done so many things. I'm just fumbling my way with all of this."
"No, you're not. You should know better than to even think like that."
"But I am!" I said even more forcefully than I had intended. "You're not my first girlfriend, but you know that I've never had a relationship this long and... well frankly, this sexual before. And then there's the kinky stuff that I know nothing about and I'm just nervous that I can't satisfy you in any way in those things if I feel like I can't even satisfy you sexually without any of the extra stuff."
"You really shouldn't even talk like that." she said softly. "It's not about the mechanics or some kind of technical efficiency. It's about you and me, connecting, sharing a moment. You shouldn't think about it like some kind of a test."
"I know, I know. But I can't help feeling I'm so awkward and clumsy about everything so that you're not getting much out of it. I feel like you probably would rather be doing it with someone who actually knows what they're doing and give you those monster orgasms that you give me."
Val let out a little chuckle. It made me feel better, even though I wasn't really that sure what it meant. I smiled slightly at her.
"If I just wanted someone who could perform flawlessly and efficiently, I'd find someone like that." she said. "But I didn't, and I don't want to. I found you. And I want to be with you. And I want to do all these things with you. That's all you really need to know. You do know that, right?"
I nodded meekly, even though I really did not know that. But her saying it made me feel better and I didn't really want to push her on the subject anyway.
"But why then have you shut me out of your kinky circle of friends?" I asked. "You know I'm into this stuff, but you never invite me to the parties you go to and tell me about afterwards. I'm pretty sure you do stuff there with other people. Is that why you don't want me along? So you can enjoy it with someone more experienced."
Val sighed and looked like she was considering her response very carefully. My heart sank as I was scared to hear what she had to say to this. Did she have to consider her words carefully because I was right and she was looking for a way to say it to me? Was this going to be it?
"You know, I've been thinking about that for a while now." Val said after a long pause. Way too long for my comfort. "No, that's not why I've been keeping you out at all. I do some simple play things at the parties, yeah, but I'm always straight with you about what I've been doing and I've never done anything that I feel would compromise my fidelity to you."
"But why then?"
"The scene can be... a pretty big thing to take in. I wanted to make sure you'd be ready for it." she paused for a while to consider her words a little more. "You know, most people there, the vast majority, are just ordinary folks like you and me. But there are all kinds of assholes there as well and people who can really be harmful for anybody and it's a really small community so you'll be directly or indirectly subjected to all of it. You hear everything and you can't really ignore the bad things even if you wanted to. I just wanted to shelter you from it a little longer. And you know, maybe I wanted to keep yourself all for me for a little why longer."
"But you do have me. You will always have me."
"I know. But after being in the scene for a while, you realise that the soap operas have nothing on the drama that goes on in the scene. And I've been there for a long, long time."
She sighed again.
"But I can see that I've been wrong." she continued. "I've kept you out too long and I should've realised what it's doing to you. Is that what triggered this?"
I shook my head for no.
"No, it's not that." I said. "It's not anything you've done, don't misunderstand me. It's just me being all insecure about not doing the right things, like I said. Or doing or saying the wrong things at the wrong time. I just don't know how to do this and it's eating me up inside. I so badly want to be what you want me to be, but I don't know how."
"Oh, Allie. I just want you to be you. That's why I am with you."
I was about to start crying again, although for different reasons than before. This had gone the way I hadn't expected at all, but it had gone exactly as I deep down had hoped it would. Val saw that I was maybe about to start crying again, and she stopped me by almost lunging at my lips.
We kissed passionately for a long time. I had exposed my innermost feelings to her so that I was emotionally and physically more vulnerable than ever before. The fact that she hadn't turned me down or gotten mad made the kissing more passionate than ever before with anyone. I could taste her passion, and I could taste that it was all directed at me. Suddenly my concerns felt almost ridiculous.
"But you know," Val said as we broke our lips but stayed really close. "If you're really worried about doing the wrong thing, I have ways to make sure you don't."
She gently turned me around so that my back was to her and she took off my shirt. I didn't resist, but raised my arms so that the shirt just slipped over my head and revealed my now naked upper body. I still had my eyes closed from the kissing but I could feel that Val was reaching for the chest of equipment she had moved right next to the sofa.
When she came back, she petted my arms and whispered to my ear.
"We don't have to do this if you don't want to right now."
"No," I whispered back. "I totally want to. I need to."
She bent my forearms against each other while I still kept my eyes shut. She was very gentle, but also very firm in her moves. This was something new, but I could recognise what she was doing as she coiled the ropes around my forearms. She was going to put me in a boxtie. She hadn't done anything so advanced with me before, but I could recognise it from my research online.
I was starting to get into the calm state I so adored as she coiled the rope around my torso, above and below my breasts, cinching the ropes as she went. Her soft hands felt so good on my body and I could feel the heat of her body as she leaned against me while securing the ropes. The boxtie itself was something I had been curious about for the longest time and it was just as good as I had hoped. I had never been tied this securely and it was like the ropes were extensions of her hands and fingers that were caressing and exploring my upper body as the tie had been finished now.
I leaned against her a little more, wanting to feel her and wanting to encourage her to go on. Her hands were now getting higher as she was caressing my neck. Finally her fingers reached my lips and I gave them kisses as they hovered there.
"You know," she whispered to my ear, very quietly and tenderly. "If you're really worried about saying the wrong things, I have something we haven't tried before that might help with that."
I was about to ask her what it was, but almost as soon as she had finished, her hand yanked my jaw downwards. I finally opened my eyes to see a red ball being taken closer to my mouth and I obediently let her put it in. Of course I had seen ballgags as I had researched kinky things online, but this was the very first time I had anything of the sort in my mouth.
Val tightened the strap and the ball lodged itself deep into my mouth. It was made of some kind of semi-soft material so even though it filled my mouth almost completely, it was surprisingly comfortable there. I closed my eyes again, putting my full attention into enjoying these new sensations, not that I would've been able to concentrate on anything else.
"How's that?" Val whispered. "Feeling safe now?"
I nodded and gave an approving squeak from somewhere behind the gag and she kissed me on the cheek below the strap. The feeling of security really was the overwhelming emotion that washed over me, even winning over the endorphin that I was getting from the bondage itself. I had had no idea being in tighter bondage would feel this good and the gag seemed to enhance the experience even further. Right then, I was feeling more calm and relaxed I probably ever had in my adult life.
"You want to take it even further?" Val whispered and I nodded again. I didn't know what she meant by it, but I was too far gone in my own headspace to even think or care that much.
Val caressed my breasts a little more, something that made me let out more satisfied sounds. But she didn't stay there for long because her hands continued downwards and she pulled down on the sweat pants I was wearing. I lifted my behind and then my legs so that she could slip the sweat pants, my underwear and my socks off at one fell swoop. She then pushed me gently down while she rose up to stand so that I could lay on my stomach on the sofa.
Then Val started tying up my ankles together and after that she pulled them closer to my body to complete the hogtie, another thing I had been curious about but hadn't experienced. Maybe I should've asked her to do these things to me before, but then again, the way we ended up doing them now was so intensely emotionally that I didn't think it would've carried the same weight if I had just asked for it. Getting there naturally was so much more fulfilling.
"Comfy?" she asked. I nodded and let out yet another approving grunt.
"Good." she said as she came to lie beside me on the sofa again. My eyes were still closed, but I could feel that she had taken her shirt off as well and I her soft torso was pushing against my arm and my side. I so loved her softness and her girly shape that she had managed to keep even though she was a bit older than I was. I shuffled closer to her and she kissed my shoulder while her hands started to fondle me all over again.
Her touch was so unique from what I had ever experienced. It was so soft, but also firm and commanding at the same time. I really didn't know how she pulled it off, but she probably didn't either since it came to her so naturally. I just shivered out of sheer pleasure as touched me up and down. Even though there was a lot of rope in the way, it didn't seem to slow down or trip her in any way.
Finally one of her hands started to stroke my thighs and then slowly approached my crotch. As she came closer and closer to touching my vulva, her touch turned ever softer and softer, to the point that she was finally barely touching me with her fingertips when she reached the innermost thigh.
I was aching for her touch down there, but she let me hang for a long while before her fingers finally crossed the border and she started to stroke my pussy. I couldn't help but let out a long sound out of sheer pleasure and relief as her stroking became more and more expedient. I hadn't even been aware of how wet I had become, but when she finally slipped a finger inside me, there was practically no resistance.
It was like my entire nervous system lit up like a christmas tree and I arched my back as the pleasure spread around my body, flooding me with endorphin. I breathed heavily through my nose and around the gag as her finger explored my insides while the other danced around my clitoris.
"You know, as someone who's that inexperienced, you're taking this finger quite well." Val said.
I couldn't help but laugh even through the overwhelming pleasure. I also realised that it just showed me how well Val actually knew me. For most people, that probably wasn't the kind of thing to say after an emotional moment like what we had shares earlier, but it was just the right thing to calm me even further. She really meant it when she had said she wanted to be with me, inexperience and all.
My laughter quickly turned into more moans as she shoved another finger inside to accompany the other and bent them to trigger some very nice points inside me. I bit into the gag to cope with the overwhelming sensations as she increased the speed of her magic touch both inside me and around my clit. My body gyrated with her and against her to maximise the sensations and the pleasure.
I was so close to reaching climax. The christmas tree had turned into full fireworks and it was like electricity was going through me and reaching every single point in my body. My heart beat with her touch, my breathing was synchronised to her movements, my entire body and soul was dedicated to her touch.
And then, almost right before it was going to happen, she pulled her hand away and sat up. She broke all contact and left me hanging right at the edge. I groaned in frustration as I opened my eyes to look at her, pleading for her to continue with my eyes.
But she didn't budge. Instead she licked the fingers that had been inside me just moments before as she stood there. She then used the same hand to stroke my hair as I still tried to plead to her with my eyes and my slight body movements. I was shaking from both her touch and the unsatisfied nerve centers.
"I guess we should take this to the bedroom, don't you think?" she asked playfully and then started to untie the rope that attached my ankles to my torso and let my feet loose. She helped me to sit up and looked deep into my eyes.
I really hoped she was not going to take off the other ropes or the gag as I really did not want to be off of them yet.
"Still comfy?" she asked as she checked on the tightness of the ropes and the gag. I smiled at her as much as the gag allowed me and nodded. As if it wasn't evident from the wet spot I had left on the couch. It wasn't the first time we'd have to wash the covering, and it probably wouldn't be the last.
"Good." she said and stood up again as she started to remove all her clothes.
It wasn't meant as a really erotic display as she was just taking off her clothes, but I couldn't help but marvel as to how much passion she ignited in me with such a simple act. Her body was so flawless and thoroughly beautiful to my eyes even though she had started to be more conscious of it herself as the years had started to pile on. But it really didn't matter if everything about it didn't fit the ideal image of beauty as dictated by society. To me, everything about it was perfect. And everything about it was for me to enjoy.
I'm sure she could see that I was feasting my eyes on her naked body and she let me enjoy it while she gathered the rope that had come off from my ankles. To my surprise, she started to coil the rope around my neck, but made sure that it wasn't too tight. When she was done, she pulled gently on the rope to make sure it didn't tighten and then gestured me to stand up.
I stood up as she told me.
"See, you don't have to worry about anything." Val said. "You're in my leash now and I'll take care of everything. Just follow my lead."
The words made me melt inside. I was so thankful to her about how she had managed my inner crisis that I knew I could never express it in words. Fortunately I still had the gag lodged tightly behind my teeth so I couldn't even try to do it in my clumsy way that probably would've ruined the mood. I made me like it more and more.
Val led me gently to her bedroom and let me lie on the bed. I so loved the bed that I had spent more time in than I had ever expected. It smelled like her and more importantly, the feel of it brought me a lot of fantastic memories. Most of them not even sexual, but memories of emotional and physical closeness.
She lay next to me on the bed and kissed me on the upper lip over the gag while her hands caressed me. I closed my eyes and just let the emotions and sensations wash over me again. It had been a magical night. We had had them before, but this probably topped all of them. I had opened up to her and she had embraced me as I was regardless of how little I though of myself. And she had done and said exactly the right things to make me feel better. I felt like we were closer than ever and my feelings for her were stronger than I had imagined possible.
And then she said it. She said something she had never said to me before, something nobody had said to me ever before. And suddenly all the insecurities and uncertainties were completely gone. I knew I had nothing to worry about anymore. I knew I had come home, in every sense of the word. She said:
"I love you."
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